as i ladle up a smoking silvery spoon of time, though I don’t write or call
every year that duck squeak slip passes greased
finds me wonder why, and how you’re doing
in the golden yellow white days of summer, and another adobe fall
there is will be a small flower
something wild half hidden amid somewhere green
anywhere, i find one, anywhere at all, in between
no matter, it changes how I’m feeling that hour
taking up a petal, one will do
in vibrant color, texture, pattern, scent, then recall i will
from afar, time spent, and power from soft warm eyes
i think of you
every year that passes
as i ladle up a smoking silvery
spoon of time
though I don’t write or call
every year that duck squeak slip passes
finds me wonder
why, and how you’re doing
in blistering golden yellow white summer
leaning to another adobe fall
there is will be a small flower
something, wild half hidden
amid somewhere sometime green
anywhere i find one, anywhere at all,
in between, no matter
it changes
how I’m feeling
that hour
taking up a petal,
one will do
vibrant in color, texture,
pattern, scent
then recall i will, from afar,
time spent, and power
from soft warm eyes
i think of you
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
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4 comments:
Hi Jack,
This is a beautiful poem. Thank you for publishing both the draft and your finished poem. I love seeing the writer's process, and how we often move from something already beautifully said and rhythmic, to something more perfect - adding or deleting - and laid out on the page, just right; and the difference a single word or phrase can make, and whether a word begins or ends a line, and the importance of a comma, until we've best expressed what we are compelled to say.
annie, there is no draft, just form versions.
I think the words are the same in both.
I am undecided if it is writer’s process or indecision that I have two of them.
I thought I’d put them both out and decide later which is the final version.
the first version has three stanzas, four lines each. the first and fourth line rhyme.
the rhyming was important to me.
the first version has one line long on the page. it looked unbalanced.
that’s why I put it into the second form.
it set nicely into the second form.
the second version is six stanzas of four lines each.
i always look at each word to see if i can make it right.
this comment of mine feels incomplete, but i'll leave it for now.
here the sun is rising and i'll have to give the light some attention.
Awesome work. I love both versions, and it's interesting to see them together. I like the rhythm of the first version as it appears on the screen with "or call" on a line to itself. From your comment, I'm assuming it's not supposed to be, but I enjoy the pause and the emphasis. I love the rhyme, and "that duck squeak slip passes greased" is fantastic language.
It would be great to see both versions in a book on opposing pages.
julie,
"or call" on a separate line
is why i put it together in the second form.
"that duck squeak slip passes greased" is me trying to get language into the 21st century.
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