Thursday, April 23, 2009
two for the street
They started there about the time I first came to Rome.
Thirteen months ago I wrote about the two old ladies living on the corner in front of Rome’s train station. This winter one was gone. A weeks or so later, the other disappeared.
No doubt one had died and the survivor was taken weeping to an undisclosed location for the aged, derelict, and possibly mentally challenged, yet feisty.
Had twenty years on the street had done them in?
I.
winter was long and wet
the rainiest in two hundred years
so they said,
if you can believe their record keeping,
no one can contradict
for sure, everyone talked about the weather
II.
first came spring,
then the two old ladies were back again
with bags and market shopping cart
taking turns sleeping
on one of the busiest, noisiest, wind blown corners
in all of Rome
the very corner where 20 or thirty buses routes
and any of the cities six thousand taxis
turn to enter the train station to pick up passenger
thus providing
twenty-four hour traffic, stench and noise
and there, an arm’s length from the curb,
in blankets and rags do they camp,
together again on their home turf
using a bucket or the restrooms at the station,
one at a time, as needed,
the two bundled octogenarians
enduring, perhaps enjoying
the great out of doors
III.
sure they could have more
a better corner
by the sea,
an open field
or in the woods
but they took what was available
i think i should be happy for them
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2 comments:
Hi Jack, I like this poem and your story about the two old ladies, and the way you've divided it into sections (I'm in the process of re-working a poem right now, also, divided into three sections). I'm wondering if Section III could work in some of what you did in your opening description before the poem began, your speculation about what may have happened to the ladies, perhaps incorporating some of the physical description from the first poem, written 13 months ago.
A minor thing: I think you have an extra "s" typo in the word, route (Section II, 2nd stanza). I like the line, and I think Section II is your strongest section. "The very corner where 20 or 30 buses route..." I also like where you say, "to pick up passenger" instead of passengers.
You have a wonderful ability for capturing people and places and how you feel about them. Thank you for this poem. (I hope you don't mind my heartfelt suggestions. It's a great poem, but I appreciate your opening, too, which isn't included. On the other hand, less can be more. And I like the inference you do include, that, for them, their little corner may be just as satisfying as a view of the sea, the woods, or an open field. And perhaps, that's all you want to accomplish in this poem, to capture the way they were, and not what became of them. Or, maybe they deserve a series of poems.)
Annie,
I had to open a new document so I can copy and paste, just to reply to you. Why can’t you just say “I loved it very much, you must be great.” and that’s it, and all I have to write is “ah, shucks”. end of story.
But No. I have to explain how I rewrote again and again, then didn’t proofread and that’s how the extra s got in there. A lot of the time I can talk my wife into reading it for me so I can get the errors out. Today I’m sure she was out buying cookies to assuage me.
In the opening paragraph I did that speculation as to where the ladies were to draw you into the poem. I thought the written paragraph would serve me and the reader - better than putting it into the body of the poem.
You know I was ready to agree with you as I read some more of your comment; then you said section III maybe could be worked into section I. I don’t think so; because as you read it, top to bottom, section three was the big finish - the wham bam ending. It makes them look good, and I come off as a sympathetic observer.
Now I could tell you as I did once before on another poem, not to worry about it cause I made the whole thing up, but no; the women are really there. I have talked with them and given them money. Hey, if this were a national forum we’d have a TV crew down there by now. They may have done that already some years back. I don’t know if I’m remembering or imagining it.
Okay, I didn’t include the description from the first poem about the ladies, but I did leave a link for you cause I referred to it.
Color, texture, descriptions, there’s a lot I left out, but it was long enough as it was. We all have to decide how much we want to say, what words to use and what stance we take in every bit of work.
“to pick up passenger.” I know you said liked it, but that was another error. I guess that’s where I could have put that extra s.
You commented on my “Capturing people and places”. That’s the editing again, or the poet’s point of view; what to say, how much to say, how much not to say. The whole package makes the poem, just like a film or a book, Only poems are small enough we can quickly read and discuss them. Lay out all the pieces in plain view.
Re: your comment’s last paragraph. I did try working the opening paragraph information into the poem, and in the end I left it as it was, with the commentary as part of the whole. Then I went back and added the (I.) and the (II.) Finally I wrote and added the part (III.)
Yes they deserve a series of poems, or a book. Don’t we all. If I take the bus to the Termini again soon. I’ll see ‘em and that will get me thinking
From where I sit, Annie, I’m just picking and choosing and doing the best I can while moving down the line. (That was my big finish.)
Thanks for commenting. You gave me something to talk about. Keep writing. Best wishes.
jack
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