from an earlier account i see
the final day of august they left
all together now they’re back
bluejays, cardinals winter stay
alert robins all, use the same calendar
returned this final September weekend
to eat, grow strong, then fly south
when it’s red, while leaves fall
Sunday, September 27, 2009
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3 comments:
I wish I could see that. Enjoy!
I especially like the last line: "when it's red, while leaves fall," which is a take off on the concept of fall, I think. I also like the internal rhymes, that don't fall at the end of a line: day, stay; all, fall
annie,
eight lines that had much movement before the final draft.
lines one and two were reworded: pervious to earlier, report to account, last to final.
third line stayed intact – heavy iambic pentameter
fourth line I was happy with the discovery “winter stay” as a valid expression.
line eight I liked the w w sound, when/while
“while leaves fall” ending the second stanza, is reminiscent of the first stanza end “winter stay”.
I used the less attractive red instead of orange for fall color
so as not to inadvertently confuse with citrus places, ha.
Hi Jack,
Thanks for your account of the poem's revision. I like your choices. In this context, "red" is a "stronger" word than orange, and the choice of "red" aids the line's rhythm. The sound of "l" is also strong throughout, and along with the "w" sound, compliments the poem's effective, varied rhythm.
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